Mr. Holder goes to Ferguson!
Dateline: Ferguson, MO – The Liberal Light
The Jimmy Stuart of our time, also known as The Great Defender of human rights in these United States, Attorney General Eric Holder makes an appearance in Ferguson, Missouri today.
Holder valiantly steps into the lion’s den amid ongoing protest violence without regard for his personal safety in his never ending quest for truth and justice for all.
His investigation: Was Michael Brown’s civil rights violated by officer Darren Wilson in the fatal shooting?
If so, then the officer can be prosecuted under federal statutes for civil rights violations. That is independent of the State’s criminal prosecution case and independent of the family’s big dollar civil suit.
Holder is vigorously pursuing his investigation. Justice conducted its own autopsy on Monday, the third so far, and have begun interviewing every person in sight. Holder will leave no stone unturned.
The Attorney General, of course, is keeping the President fully informed of the investigation in progress. Rumor has it this case has caused a riff between Holder and the President. Obama put a block on all Holder’s calls while he is on the golf course. But the scrappy Holder is a risk taker who will doggedly pursue this case wherever it leads.
Upon arrival in Ferguson, Holder was asked by Fox News Correspondent, Stikit Upyurs, “Where does the case defending 175 conservative groups against IRS violations of their civil rights stand? Is an indictment against Lois Lerner and others imminent?”
A clearly agitated Holder gruffly said, “We’ll get around to that when we can”, and then stomped off in a huff!
President says it will save planet
Dateline: Washington, DC – The Liberal Light
At a surprise White House press briefing today, President Barack Obama announced he’ll arm Iran to the teeth with nuclear weapons and the missile systems to deliver them.
“My new economic plan will transform the United States into the world leader in a new 21st century economy based on green energy technologies. It’ll create jobs, stimulate the economy, stop the Iranian nuclear weapons program in its tracks and I’ll get to thumb my nose at John Boehner. (laughter) There is no down side.”
“I meant to say this at my first press conference of the year on Super Tuesday held to distract from the Republican primaries, but I forgot. The teleprompter was broke.” said the President.
In a serious breach of White House protocol, Ima Israeli of Tel Aviv’s HAARETZ news service, leaped up and screamed, “But Mr. President, won’t Iran use these weapons against Israel??”
With the calm demeanor of the smartest man in the room sensing a teachable moment, President Obama said, “Yes. Yes it will. That is the whole idea.”
The President explains, “You see, Iran will fire their nukes and you will fire yours and guess what gets destroyed?… Yup, all the middle east oil fields. No more oil, no more dirty CO2 emissions into the atmosphere and that reverses the effects of global warming. The best part is that being way over here in North America we are untouched. We retool our industries to replace the lost oil with clean, eco-friendly energy”, beamed the President.
Secret Service agents subdued Ima and led him out in a strait jacket to the psych ward at Bethesda Naval Hospital.
In Tehran, thwarting President Obama, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced the nukes would only be used for Iran’s peaceful nuclear power program.
Outside his solar powered home in Nashville Tennessee, former Vice President and global warming advocate, Al Gore, reacted saying, “Crap! There goes my carbon credits business.”
Obama Loss Throws Campaign into Chaos!
Dateline: Columbia, SC – The Liberal Light
The historic grassroots campaign of democratic presidential hopeful, Barack Obama, fizzed in South Carolina on Saturday.
Campaign officials said it was only a temporary setback but that a vigorous effort in Florida’s primary next week will put Obama back on track to win the nomination.
Those officials refused to give their names.
Late last week it had been expected that Anyone Else would drop out of the race and throw their support behind Obama.
That didn’t happen. Anyone Else decided to stay in the race.
Instead, the dramatic come-from-behind upset win went to Anyone Else, and not Obama as expected. That came after a surprise surge in last minute support materialized when Governor Nikki Haley announced at a press conference that she couldn’t decide who she wanted.
Anyone Else campaign spokesman, Offa Dabandwagon, also credited their victory to liberal pundits who accused South Carolinians of being ignorant hicks.
CNN exit poll results supported that claim. 21% of voters said they were not ignorant hicks and that is why they switched their support from Undecided to Anyone Else late in the campaign.
Final South Carolina Results:
- Anyone Else 49%
- Undecided 28%
- Barack Obama 23%
Last Minute Push Could Put Obama Over the Top!
Dateline: Columbia, SC – The Liberal Light
Democratic presidential hopeful, Barack Obama, is depending on a flurry of high-profile campaign appearances at Disney World to be enough to win Saturday’s South Carolina primary.
Obama will pitch a bold plan to speed up visa processing to boost tourism while comparing ear sizes with Mickey Mouse.
The final CBS News/New York Times South Carolina poll shows the hotly contested democratic primary up for grabs:
- Barack Obama 23%
- Anyone Else 49%
- Undecided 28%
Obama campaign spokesman Rufus Gifford confidently predicts that a vigorous last-minute grassroots push will pull off an upset South Carolina win.
At a morning press conference at state campaign headquarters, Gifford explained, “Here in Columbia, and everywhere throughout the state, imported fanatical grassroots volunteers, that we call Obamaholics for their huge beer tabs, are canvassing door-to-door. We will visit every home in South Carolina by election day.”
“With a win here we have a great chance to go on to win the nomination”, Gifford said.
A terse press release issued by the Anyone Else campaign today sharply disagreed with Rufus’ prediction saying, “We’ve got the Independent vote! Look whose leading in the polls!”
In breaking news, CNN has learned that Undecided will make a stunning announcement to drop out of the Democratic race and then throw their support behind Obama.
Should that happen, CNN’s political analysts say all Obama will have to do is get 100% of Undecided’s supporters and he will win.
On to Super Tuesday!!
Q4 donations exceed expectations!
Dateline: Chicago, IL – The Liberal Light
With determined diligence, I took my solitary turn on night shift at the Liberal Light’s 24-hour news desk last Tuesday, when an animated call came in from Jim Messina, Barack Obama’s campaign manager, about 11:53 pm.
Excited, he requested an immediate face-to-face at Obama’s campaign headquarters to reveal the latest quarterly fund raising results just tabulated.
So I immediately climbed off my girlfriend, we hopped down from the meeting room table and I took the next red-eye strait to Chicago.
Giddy with excitement, Messina could hardly contain his glee. “We raised $42 million for Obama and $24 million for the Democratic National Committee”, he said.
“But, isn’t that less than either of the previous two quarters?”, I ask.
“Yeah.”, he says, “But the really great news is that, for the quarter, we had more than 583,000 donors. 200,000 of them were brand new donors that had never given before, even in 2008!”
“Really?”, I say. Messina explains, “We couldn’t get anyone who gave in 2008 to give again. They are all to POed!”
But with a wry smile Messina continues,”To overcome that, the genius in our plan this quarter was a simple new grassroots-based fundraising strategy. I’m surprised we hadn’t thought of it before.”
Glowing with pride Messina says,”We told all our door-to-door grassroots fundraisers to just blurt out ‘Barack Obama’ as soon as someone opened the door. If they responded ‘Who?’ then they hit them up for a donation! Brilliant plan, don’t you think?”
The reporter in me emerges, “I see in your FEC filings that so far the Obama campaign has raised $131 million for itself. Are you still gonna make your $1 billion fund raising goal with less than 10 months until the election?”
Messina indignantly retorts, “The billion dollar number is completely false! I said we would aim for north of the $750 million raised in 2008. I didn’t say how far north!”
Unable to stop it, my internal mental calculator subtracted 131 million from 750 million, divided it by 10 and then made me involuntarily spit out, “But doesn’t that mean that you will have to raise $62 million every MONTH, which is a lot more than you’ve raise in any 3-month quarter so far, to get up to what you raised in 2008??”
With a broad triumphant smile, Messina croons, “That is where the power of a grassroots campaign shines! As more and more potential donors learn who Barack Obama is this summer, the dough will start rolling in!”
His logic was undeniable.
All I could do is loudly start chanting, “Obama for President! Obama for President! Obama for President!”
South Carolina’s long and storied political past revealed!
Dateline: Charleston, SC – The Liberal Light
Ever vigilant to the political process, the crack staff at the Liberal Light are already looking beyond New Hampshire toward the South Carolina primary.
As you’ve come to expect, we’ve already uncovered the proud political history of one of America’s oldest and most prestigious southern cities – Charleston, South Carolina.
No, the specific historical honor does not go to Charleston’s favorite son, former Republican governor Mark Sanford, whose innocent Appalachian Trail hike led him to Argentina in search of his South American hoochie-koochie soul mate.
Heck, that could happen to anyone. His wife and 4 boys totally, almost, understood.
The Sanford exploits, interestingly, did lead to a furious ratings war of sorts between CNN and Fox News. CNN had already scooped up disgraced former New York Governor Elliot Spitzer and put him on prime time.
To remain competitive, Fox reasoned they had to find a more disgraced governor than CNN.
In steps Mark Sanford! CNN’s Spitzer merely lost his governorship over an ordinary high-end prostitution sex ring and his wife Silda’s favorite song is still, “Stand by your Man!”
Figuring Sanford to be the more disgraced of the two governors, Fox snatched him up before C-SPAN could.
Naaaa. That is not the big story out of South Carolina. There is a much bigger one dating way back to revolutionary times.
Liberal Light’s investigative team has exposed that Charleston, South Carolina has been the butt of American political activism for nearly 220 years.
George Washington visited Charleston in 1791. To commemorate that visit, the city commissioned renowned early American painter John Trumbull to do a larger than life portrait to be hung at city hall.
The city fathers allowed Trumbull full artistic license to depict Washington as he saw fit. Inspired, Trumbull painted one of his most famous portraits ever, Washington at the Battle of Trenton. Washington personally posed for it.
However, the city fathers of Charleston were unimpressed and refused to pay his fee. They felt it to “historical” and they wanted Charleston depicted.
Even back then nobody liked New Jersey!
Trumbull capitulated, got Washington to pose again, and painted a Charleston-themed replacement for which oblivious city officials happily paid him the full fee.
Take note the horse in the Charleston version on the right is facing the other way, with raised tail and legs spread. If you’ve been around horses more than 15 minutes, you know what that means.
Its a little hard to see, but the whitish structure strategically placed between the horses upper thighs, right under the discharge point, depicts Charleston’s city hall!
As you see it, that portrait has remained proudly on continuous display at city hall since 1792!
Campaign Carpet Bombing Credited, Obama Officials Say
Dateline: Chicago, Ill – The Liberal Light
Giddy with excitement, Obama campaign spokesman, Rufus Gadabout, announced campaign donations for the quarter just ended are expected to top $227 million in nickels and dimes.
“We don’t accept pennies”, Gadabout explains.
Q4 FEC totals will be officially released January 15, 2012.
In an exclusive “Liberal Light” interview, campaign manager Jim Messina, for the first time, unveiled their strategy for the rest of the 2012 campaign.
LL: “How did you achieve your stunning Q4 fund raising feat?“
Messina: “We perfected a multi-facited approach based on a grassroots model.”
A beaming Messina continues, “We call our main strategy ‘campaign carpet bombing’. Its a simple, yet cost effective, technique where we bombard donors with thousands of email donation requests in the last month of the reporting quarter. It is designed after the WWII firebombing of Dresden.”
LL:”What other techniques do you use?“
Messina: “Last summer we trained all our grassroots volunteers proper door-to-door technique to make donors pay their fair share. Our secret weapon is we withdraw all funds from our account, distribute them among our volunteers and have them give each potential donor $1 to donate right back into the campaign on the spot.
“To prevent theft, volunteers frequently strip search each other. Its fund raising at its finest!”
“First, we can recycle the same $1 through the campaign up to 5 times to over inflate actual totals in a process called multiplicative fundraising. Of course, it also ups the number of donors by 5 times, too. That, in turn, reduces the average amount given per donor to offset humongous big buck campaign bundler donations from the super pacs to maintain a grassroots look and feel.”
“That”, says a smiling Messina, “is a trifecta!”
LL:”Why a grassroots campaign? Isn’t that for unknowns to get name recognition?“
Messina: With the wry smile of a guy knowing he is the smartest man in the room,”Its the genius of our plan!! We have to get Barack Obama’s message out. 5,217 speeches and daily news conferences from Barack Obama over 3 years isn’t getting through to the people. His message is getting lost in the barrage of Obama-friendly liberal press.”
LL: “What did you think of the Republican Iowa caucuses?“
Messina:”The extremist Tea Party agenda won a clear victory.
No matter who the Republicans nominate, we’ll be running against someone who has embraced that agenda in order to win — vowing to let Wall Street write its own rules, end Medicare as we know it, roll back gay rights, leave the troops in Iraq indefinitely, restrict a woman’s right to choose, and gut Social Security to pay for more tax cuts for millionaires and corporations. Not to mention making grandma eat dog food!”